Just as it is

A mirror asked me yesterday to look & see ‘how self-involved & invoking of my own continued victimization’ I am – ‘Nobody does it to you Hazel, it is you yourself & over & over & over again, & it is insatiable…Until you work on your own victimization there isn’t a possibility of working together with anyone else. Hazel, you need support to stop victimizing yourself. No one can do anything about it & others cannot allow you to continue to set fires around them. You need support. Where will you get this from? It is not about one on one with anyone you have these issues with. It is something more’…

This is a scary realization. But I am thankful for the mirror, for I am a striving human being, & I have been working to heal this wound for a long time, & yet it still festers & causes pain to me & to others around me.

But I don’t think self-isolation is the only place where the healing can occur, at this time of the consciousness soul it must be done in the social realm.

And so I ask myself: Where is my safe circle? And where I am with the commitment to dedicate my life to keeping my heart & mind open to nurturing compassion, with the longing to ease personal & collective suffering, a reflection of the suffering of the world? Where am I with my resolve to embrace the world just as it is, without bias?

Only by completely, directly touching the reality of what’s going on inside me can I embrace the bitterness, the fundamental pain of life, just as readily as I long to embrace the sweetness, the wholeness, the tolerance, the healing.

But when the world situation is as unstable as it is today – it’s very hard to stay grounded, & the outside pressures push against personal weakness. The intensity of life nowadays is triggering high levels of anxiety & inner unrest in me, creating the ideal environment for either a leap into the abyss, a self-conflagration, or a true sea change – a test of initiation.

So how do I develop compassion, for myself & others?  How do I cultivate trust & kindness in the middle of all of this turmoil?

I must turn toward it with a different attitude. Every day is an opportunity to practice. Whether I’m irritated & anxious because things aren’t flowing as I would like, or I’m overwhelmed by illness, or feverish flashbacks of past hurts, it’s all an opportunity to wake up, to grow, to change, to face the mirror.

How can I take my meditative practice out into my relationships, out into my community, out into the world? Can I craft it in small bits thru out the day, with the attitude that I’m standing confidently in the center of my life taking it as a training ground.

Where are my allies? My trusted friends – did I drive them all away? This is a time when we must create the safe sacred space together…Did I burn all the bridges? Can I have hope that I will be given another chance, that I will be accepted even as I am?

For me there is a fundamental anxiety to being human. This anxiety, this queasiness in the face of hopelessness is not something that just affects a few of us. It is an all-pervasive state that all human beings share which can make us turn away from each other. What if instead we said, “Yes, this is the way it is; this is what it is to be human.”, & decide to embrace the mirror of each other?

When I am feeling helpless, I am learning that one way to deal with that edgy, uneasy feeling is to take a breath: Acknowledging the feeling, give it my full, compassionate, even welcoming attention – &, even if it’s only for a few seconds, drop the story line about the feeling. With the hope that this allows me to have a direct experience of it, free of interpretation.

Can I learn not to fuel it with concepts or opinions, or defensiveness? Can I just be present with the reality of my weakness, my brokenness, my humanness? To be gentle around the wound I see in myself, & how it triggers the wound in others? The wound that we came into this life to heal?  The karma that follows us & binds us from life to life…? Who is willing to do the work with me?

To experience this uneasiness, this anxiety, this aloneness, can manifest as everything from slight edginess to sheer terror, & it makes us feel vulnerable, which of course nobody likes. Vulnerability comes in many guises.  We may feel off balance if we don’t know what is going on, don’t have a handle on things, don’t feel safe. We may feel lonely or depressed or angry. Ready to blame the other. So easy to see the log in their eye but not the beam in our own…Most of us want to avoid emotions that make us feel vulnerable, so we’ll do almost anything to get away from them, to get away from people like me that are lightning rods for this.

We do have a choice. We can run away. It’s often healthy to set boundaries. But for those that are called to face our karmic relationships, do we want to spend our whole life rejecting suffering because we don’t feel safe with how things are, how others make us feel? Unless we apply ‘How We Will’ to the personal sphere we cannot change the world.

Can I embrace the open-mindedness of the human situation, which can be fresh, unfixed, unbiased? Can I suffer gladly the consequences of my actions & the reactions that I invoke & call forth in others -This is the challenge. This is the process of unmasking, of letting go-& letting come, of opening the mind & the heart, of recognizing old patterns & bringing compassion to ourselves, & to our shared human condition. Just as it is. We are on the Grail Road after all…

~hag

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12 thoughts on “Just as it is

  1. Oh…you have one of those deep soul reflecting mirrors too! The one that keeps redirecting you that needs to be healed, loved, forgiven, and changed. Yes the healing is in relationship. thank you for all the beautiful art poems and inspiration.

    1. ha, yes a blessing & a curse…but mostly an opportunity to heal…
      Thank you for reminding me that we are all in this together & that this is “The Great Work”
      xox

  2. Dear Hazel,

    This is a very daring expose of a vulnerability that doesn’t seem to be possible. You are so outgoing and dynamic, and have the courage to speak and travel in order to get the message out. I shrivel in comparison because I am a loner who has felt alienated and alone for many years now; a victim of the rejection of the father toward his first-born son. Go figure.

    What you do these days is what counts. You are immortal and eternal, and only those qualities pass the test and cross the threshold. The rest is burned in a brief purgatory in which we rest in the bosom of the Godhead. I too worry about my shortcomings and failures in life to be a better person, i.e, son, brother, husband, father. But, I couldn’t help being the loner that I am from a very early age. I was initiated at the age of six in order to experience the ego and astral body, and this caused my whole family to see a change that they did not appreciate. My father, especially, rejected me for many years as unworthy of his attention.

    I’m sorry. This is not about me, but about you, Hazel. You are about as awesome as they get, at least for me, in this era of internet communication. I have been doing it now for over 20 years, through thick and thin, and have never met anyone like you, except Dottie who is a dynamo in her own style. But, you are so polished and prepared, and wear nice clothes. And, the way you listen is important to me. You listen as if, ….well, I can’t quite describe it, but you see the other. For me, this is what is important. To listen, and embrace the other in the art of communicating deep spiritual truths. It is not always easy, but the rewards come in their way, and it is the challenge of the endeavor that counts.

    1. Steve – I see you, & I see you seeing me, & for this I am full of gratitude. When ever we find an uncomfortable truth pushing or pulling us, we must remember that it is a gift, a grace from our destiny self. We both share, from different circumstances, difficult childhoods, which set us up for many shadows that are cast into the world around us, & this can bring much sadness. But somehow we signed up for this, & we have to continue to support each other on this journey toward wholeness. Thanks for being part of this mysterious thing called being human.
      xox

  3. Answers to your questions are not to be found inside your self. If they were there you would have the answers. You higher being lives outside yourself it’s in your environment. The answers come often from unexpected corners. Also often in moments of passing swiftness, like “neh that can not be right” It takes courage to be willing to say to yourself: “My rights are wrong and my wrongs are right” Time to become ruthlessly honest with yourself. You have my support if you are truly willing to go deep inside.

    1. Thank you Henric, Yes what we need is often shown to us out in the world. What a lot of work we must all do at this crazy time.
      But i am willing to step up & face my face in all it’s dimensions, within & in others & in the world.Thank you for your support & good wishes.

  4. I have been following RR for the past year and this was a very different on! Blessings on your struggle and striving. I have found that each is just in the right place to meet what it is we came to meet and overcome. I try to take a step back inside myself when I am challenged with my upsets and inner doubts and ask instead what does this specific situation have to show me, what is here that I can uncover and find a totally new dimension before me. Always if I can wait and hold the silence within something comes from the spiritual world that shows me a completely new outlook, solution etc than I was creating in my own mind. It is beautiful to just hold when that inner fire comes up and see what is under and behind, hidden in the encounter before me. In my 80’s this is a blessing of ageing! Again Blessings and I so appreciate your offering in RR

    1. Greetings dear Ruth, thank you for your wise words. This stepping back & being open to the spiritual worlds ever present help is the perfect advise.
      In my head i do trust that i am always in the right place at the right time for whatever has to unfold, but i don’t always find it easy to let go of the stories that beset my mind.
      What a great opportunity to learn this skill. Thank you for tuning in & for all your support.
      Blessings

  5. Greeting Hazel,
    I sent your thoughts to my daughter tonight as she is struggling in the hopes that your honesty and self reflection will inspire her on the journey she chose in this life. I admire and respect who you are and appreciate your courage to be vulnerable and reach out.
    I understand how it feels to be someone who can stir the debris to the surface and send you warmth and blessings.

    1. Bless you dear Eyahnna –
      Yes, we must hold a sacred space in our hearts & minds for the young people, especially at this time when their hopeful future & the world itself appears like a tangled dark forest.
      Thanks for your understanding, may all who are called to stir be given the strength to endure.
      xox

  6. Hazel – you are so daringly human it makes me gasp! You speak to those of us trying to float in raging seas. Your honesty, knowledge and willingness, shed light into the darkness, creating a supportive circle of greater dimension than you may realize. Yes! Breathe . . . yes! And breathe again . . . and again

    1. Bless you Joan!
      I often feel so engrossed & overwhelmed & alone…
      I know i was born to be the scapegoat, because even though it hurts, i can take it, i signed up for it so i could grow & learn & transform…
      Thanks for being on the journey with me!
      xox

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